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silverliquidecstacy
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Name: Brittany
Location: Springfield, Missouri, United States
Birthday: 6/17/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: Music really. I love music. Music can say so much. If you can't explain how you feel in words, you can find a song to explain it for you.
Expertise: Piercings, evidently. Everyone asks for my advice about them. Have a question about a certain body piercing you've been longing to get? Ask me. I know. I know everything.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  MOStateBStar
MSN: sexy_sparky_03@hotmail.com
Member Since:
4/12/2005
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| I don't want to fall to pieces...
I had stopped thinking about him. I had stopped torturing myself with what ifs about him. I had deleted his number out of my phone... And then he texted me that night. And I wanted to cry. I had almost freed myself, and then he tangled me back in his twisted webs. He's like a drug dealer... gives me just enough to keep me coming back for me. Gives me just what I need so that I won't go somewhere else. It sucks. I thought I was done with drugs.
I'm probably not doing the best thing ever. I'm feeling sad and slightly depressed, and I'm drinking. Wooo! Yay alcohol for making me forget my problems... until tomorrow.
This week is going to suck. Court was yesterday, but I didn't go because they didn't get me sub peona-ed in time. Sentencing is Friday. I'm not going, because they're probably counting on me to show up, and they're going to subpeona me then. They're leaving me out of it because I'm in Springfield. They asked Brandon about me during his deposition, but if I come to them, they'll subpeona me. Assholes. I work 10 1/2 hours tomorrow. At least it's not 14 again. Thank god for small miracles. It's that time of the month, which just makes me even moodier. Plus it sucks because it's the first real one since I had the baby... 3 months ago. I've gone for a year without it, if you don't include the month after I had the baby. At least he's doing good. He's happy right now, which is good.
I got a membership at Ozark Fitness yesterday with Stephanie, which will be good for me. I'll get in shape, and look better, and feel better. I'm supposed to have a date this weekend, but Shawn also might be coming down this weekend... and if Shawn comes down, I'm definitely not going on the date. Mom's happy that I'm "moving on"... that I'm dating again. I'm not ready to date again. There are a few people I would make an exception for... but I'm just not ready to move on. He hurt me really bad... and I'm just not ready to trust someone like that again. But one date doesn't mean it's going to generate into something like a relationship... I feel like I'm being unfaithful, and it's stupid, because we're not together anymore. I have no reason to feel unfaithful. No reason at all. Mmhmm. So I don't have to feel bad about going on a date with a nice guy that tells me I'm beautiful, who doesn't care that I have a baby, who likes the way I look now and doesn't think I need to change a thing.
Wish me luck this week. It's going to be a doozy. | | |
| So, my life has been more stressful lately than I care for. I'm more confused about things now than I ever was before. I cry on a daily basis, which is something I never do. Ever. Somehow, I am amazed that I have a child. Let me change the text a little bit to really express the emotion of that statement to whosoever has nothing better to do than read my blog. I am amazed that I have a child. Evidently, I'm not the only one, either. And lately I've been thinking about how much stress this has added to my life. I had an unhealthy level of stress before. And now I've just added to that unhealthy level of stress. Lovely. Not to mention everything going on with my family and friends right now... more stress. Stress, stress, stress. Maybe I should have told Shawn to go ahead and buy that vacation for us. Who cares if his girlfriend wouldn't be happy about it? That's what I'm confused about. He has a girlfriend. We've been broken up for 3 1/2 years. He drove 5 1/2 hours down to Springfield at 2 AM to spend a day with me. One day. Not even a day. 14 hours. Roundtrip, he drove 11 hours to spend 14 hours in a town he's never been to, with his ex-girlfriend. And even though, when we talk to other people, we refer to each other as "a friend", we're not really friends. We don't really confide in each other. I don't go to him with my problems like I do my other friends. We don't talk on a daily basis. It's starting to get closer to a daily basis though. So, that brings me to the question that Debbie posed to me tonight. Why doesn't he break up with her and come back to me? I don't know. I know there are things about her that bother him because he's told me, but I'm sure there are things about me that bother him too. Lord knows, I'm not perfect. Far from it. But when I try to convince myself that it didn't mean anything for him to drive all the way down to Springfield to see me, I just can't seem to believe that there aren't still feelings there. I know how I feel about him. But, I don't know if I would get back with him if given the opportunity. I don't want to bring someone into Caeden's life that is just going to leave. It's not nice. On Wednesday, I get to see my goddaughters. That's just going to remind me of how much I want a girl now. Yeah, I know I said I was never having another baby, but I think I want 2 more. A girl, and another little boy. But reguardless of whether I get what I want, I'm stopping at 3, unless the fates decide to be assholes and I have twins the third time. Twins do run in my family. It's something my doctor was concerned about when I was pregnant with Caeden. Anyway, back to Wednesday. I'm going to pick up a friend of mine and her two daughters, and we're going to go see another friend who is home from Utah for Christmas. Tomorrow night, I'm going out with Kalyn for her birthday. I'd love to get just completely shitfaced wasted, but I know I'm not going to. I don't have much of a desire to drink anymore, which is kind of sad, considering I'm only 21. Oh well. I probably won't even drink. I can't really afford to be throwing money away on booze. I hate being poor. I need a job, and soon. I'm finally going to breakdown and succumb to Kum & Go's wishes for me to work 3-11 again, but I'm only going to do it if they will give me my raise and promotion that I was supposed to get 10 months ago. Bastards. If they're going to screw me over, I'll screw them into the ground. Nah, I really won't. Wouldn't want to lose my cushy little job. Well, until next time.... It's time to go whore on Myspace for a while, and then take the baby home and see if he'll quit being fussy and go to sleep. He's got to go to the doctor in the morning and get shots. Poor baby... | | |
| I like to think about the past. Valerie said that wasn't healthy. What does she know? She only has a masters in psychology... I'm a college droupout, but I can't seem to convince myself that she knows more than I do. Maybe she's right, and I need to let the past be in the past, and not drive myself insane thinking about what I could have done differently to make a different outcome.
Well, I'm off to go job searching, since the leech has detached himself from my chest. The leech being my son. We've got things to do today, so I'll update this later, after I've spent a few hours thinking about the past few years, and talking to a lawyer. And I'm so going to download some new songs tonight. I'm so excited that I found Rushmore Academy's out of print album on LimeWire. That makes me happy.
Peace. | | |
| I hate my employer. Seriously, Kum & Go sucks at life. They have no job openings for me, which means I have no job, which means no money... Supreme lameness. So, I have about $27 to my name to last me and Caeden either until Brock quits being a dick and starts paying child support or until I start a new job and get paid. Or until i start romancing Mark, and he starts pampering me and Caeden. No romantic interest there, but I'll do what I can to make ends meet for me and Caeden.
If I don't start work on Monday, which I probably won't, I have to go talk to a lawyer about taking Brock to court for child support. The part that sucks about that is, I can't afford a lawyer to take him to court for child support. So, I'm pretty much up a creek/crick... whatever.
I'm pretty stressed. My heater makes loud noises, so I don't sleep well. Caeden sleeps like I do and takes up most of the bed. Now I know what it's like to be kept against the wall by someone smaller than me sleeping in the same bed. I try to keep some distance between us at night because I move around a lot, and I don't want to lay on him, but he wants to be right next to me. So I keep moving over, and he keeps moving over. I'm not sure how he does it though. He hasn't figured out rolling or anything yet.
I'm also pretty depressed. Something I haven't been for a long time. I can't help it. I think I need to quit talking to family. I find out things and they make me sad. Mom and Aunt Trish both told me things about my dad over the past week that have upset me pretty bad. I cried the other night while I was thinking about it. Since I'm not pregnant anymore, I haven't cried much... but I couldn't help it. Everyone knows how I feel about my dad... I'm Daddy's little girl, and my daddy can do no wrong, but just to hear these things... somehow I can't make myself believe that they are lying, like I do every other time someone says anything bad about my dad.
Caeden's sleeping, so I should go take a shower and fix some supper. I don't know about the shower though. I'm not going anywhere or seeing anyone that I'm aware of, so it's not imperative that I shower today. But it'll help me relax. And it always makes me feel better to look good. So I'm out.
Peace y'all. | | |
| I haven't written for a long time. Sorry. I'm lame. I had my baby. I spend a lot of time at home taking care of him. He's so cute. Heading out to Nebraska for Thanksgiving. Gotta let Daddy's family see the baby, since he's the continuation of the last name. Heading back to Springfield after Thanksgiving. I'm ready to be home. Mediacom sucks balls. It's time to take Caeden home because he's fussy. Poor baby. I'm sleepy anyway. Night. | | |
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